KL was good. I had fun there. Food was good at the crappiest places and really bad at the luxe restaurants. it felt right!

Time means nothing in that country. There are queues for everything.  you want a sim card… stand in queue for 45 min… you want to sit in Maccars?  stand in queue for 20 min… you want to take a shit? queue for 15 min!

it’s their thing i guess… a nation of queuers!

to sum up.. i saw an elephant poop and i liked it!

there’s so much to do this year! so much to achieve ..

“Pursuing happiness, and I did, and still do, is not at all the same as being happy- which I think is fleeting, dependent on circumstances, and a bit bovine.
If the sun is shining, stand in it- yes, yes, yes. Happy times are great, but happy times pass- they have to- because time passes.
The pursuit of happiness is more elusive; it is lifelong, and it is not goal-centred.
What you are pursuing is meaning- a meaningful life. There’s the hap- the fate, the draw that is yours, and it isn’t fixed, but changing the course of the stream, or dealing new cards, whatever metaphor you want to use- that’s going to take a lot of energy. There are times when it will go so wrong that you will barely be alive, and times when you realize that being barely alive, on your own terms, is better than living a bloated half-life on someone else’s terms.”

em is off to ny in few days time… not sure if i care much to be honest…guess that ship has sunk
it’s amazing how quickly your priorities change in life…

if only she knew how much i care…
i felt broken when she told me about her relationships… 6 years is not a joke…
maybe i shouldn’t have asked… maybe i shouldn’t have left….haven’t been able to sleep right since we talked!

i had this dream the other night
ghosts of the pasts…something about it turned me on beyond belief… there was no words
but then a fire broke out…and i think i failed to get out… don’t remember much now

sher once sent me this quote…

"we don't change. we just become more comfortable with our core misery, which is a form of happiness"

i wrote it down in one of the notebooks she had got me… but it seemed too negative on the surface and i was too engaged otherwise at the time to think of it much…

now i can relate to it somehow…not that it’s a great quote …but life feels more comforting when you can fit in within your own skin…. does this make any sense? i feel comfortable with me… the urge to impress everyone is not there any more .. no … don’t get me wrong… i never seek for attention… but i felt i had to impress a few in my life… one being my dad…thought i had to do something extra ordinary… something great… now i’m quite happy being just me…

i have discovered things about myself, simple things. things i never had really paid attention to before. like the fact that i can’t talk… i don’t have that grasp over any one particular language to transfer my thoughts… maybe because i grew up in different parts of the world…. maybe i was lazy… maybe in the next life?

Christmas is just around the corner!
This year was a roller coaster of highs … lows… and speed bumps!
but I think my life is coming together finally…
I don’t know, it was one of those years ….

Now? now, for once in my life, I feel happy! happy as in getting up in the morning and smiling for no good reason happy!
and usually with a hard one! hahahaha

I love my new job! well , it’s not so new now! but still! i never thought this day will come!
I started looking for her… and I got to know Em, I don’t know her well yet,
but she seems beautiful! inside and out!

I got my residency finally, so I can stay here indefinitely! or will I? Who knows!
I’m off to KL in 2 weeks time to see the family. been a while! and i miss them all!

I’m going to Canberra to meet Em for the first time in 2 days time! Mad? Maybe! Recipe for disaster? Maybe!
6 hours of drive, worth it? definitely!

All I know is I’m tired of sitting around and waiting for things to just happen….
I have to try, I have to find her!

and I will wait for you! I don’t know who you are, and I don’t know where you are,
but I know you are out there! and I will wait for you!
I won’t settle any more for anything less than you!

awkward bananas!

coolio… ciao.

So I’ll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies

But I’ll kneel down
Wait for now
I’ll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

Rather than choosing because it’s just simply here, I should be searching!

You can apply the same principles as a scientific research! When you have a purpose in mind, and you use the same dedication and drive, you will eventually succeed!

there’s something missing…but then again something is always missing from my life.
i got home the other day and i had this strange urge to sleep, nothing like ever before.
i took a month off and then i started again…not quite what i had hopped for but i guess you just have to do with what ur given.
i got my second strike…or at least i think i did…at the time you always think you are doing the right thing and that it’s all too hard… but maybes and what ifs are then to follow.
it takes 16 strokes now down from 30 so i guess i should be at least doing something right.
sher emailed me on a dark Friday morning.

it feels empty…more than ever…the words… the lies… and now of all times.
I dreamt of me talking to me and i warned myself of this disease.
it feels funny when you open it and you kinda know what to expect…but you have that glimmer of hope that its not what you think it is…getting millions of them on the other hand ruins all your hopes.
she was hurt and maybe i was at fault, she had got it all wrong and i couldn’t change her mind.
i think too much when i’m there, head under water and my mind races off 100 miles an hour, and i wonder how to keep track of so much details.
i had just woken up to head to work, sometime around 5am or so, rushing to get a bus to site and there it was, i though i must be dreaming but the freezing cold morning against my skin seemed all too real.

I have been trying to fix me but i know it’s too little, maybe not too late though.
The mother of all diseases, the worst kind of cancer! then i told myself how just like the normal cancer that consumes and kills off your cells and organs, this one slowly eats off your soul until there’s nothing left.
i thought it would be easier to get in, to make it big out there, but then again time has showed me that wherever i have ended up has been for the best.
i think about her sometimes and how she scares me, i told her once i’ll let everyone know that if anything ever happened to me it has something to do with her.
when i’m inside, it feels different, like my worries are all about then and there, just that next stroke, that very next breath or if i’m in too deep.
she was just after her old writings and it was way too early in the morning for my mind to function well, after all it was friday the 13th and i just left it at that.

how do u go on living knowing there will never be another episode of house?

it’s cold outside
and i thought about snow
and i thought maybe i should go for a  holiday
maybe a quick trip to melbourne for ski
or maybe up north
i took a risk
and now change is coming
just two weeks away and i’m surprisingly calm
but i’m not a calm person

it’s cold inside
on the other side of my quilt
i can see the cold
and there’s a war coming
i hear them fighting
and i keep on losing

it’s cold in my dreams
and she got in a way of one this morning by her texts
something about me making chicken and pumpkin for her
a dream of some sort that she had of me
i guess i’m more of a human in other people’s dreams
and i thought about her
and i remembered that day in the hall
years and years ago
i was sitting few rows behind
daydreaming what it would be like to wake up every morning
and see her face by my side
but she’s miles away now
and i don’t know if i still believe in fairy tales

it’s cold on my skin
and it’s making me cold within

I keep on searching for that set of lips…

with the other one its just about being close while staying away
a big cuddle every other night followed by snuggles after we dirty the sheets…

there’s always something missing…
her lips doesn’t quite lock into mine…

I keep on searching for that skin…

I hold her hands but there’s no fire…
I run my fingers on her back but her skin doesn’t talk to me

I keep on running after the wrong one…
I dropped her to the airport… on her way to to another continent… to meet her little lover…
and I thought to myself i don’t even want to try it with this one…

Prends ma main petite poupée
Je t’emmène faire un tour

I sit beside the other one and i wonder what would it be like…

work is a drag…i sit there and wonder what am i doing here at times…
i can’t even decide what i want to do with the rest of it…
my life i mean…

Le soleil s’est effacé
Et la lune est à la bourre
Et les étoiles ont acheté
Leur billet pour nous voir faire l’amour

how do you choose one person when the choices are unlimited!?
one major? one job? one street? one song?

maybe i should sink my life… maybe i should drown myself in a boat as well
easy way out!

but i need to find those lips first…
the ones i would never want to let go off…
the perfect match… the perfect kiss…

SEeX
Puisqu’il n’y a pas de futur aux instants
C’est un SOS
Que le vent viendra souffler dans peu de temps

SEeX
Puisque l’amour se tire tout le temps
Comme un SOS
Que l’écume efface sur la plage doucement