there’s something missing…but then again something is always missing from my life.
i got home the other day and i had this strange urge to sleep, nothing like ever before.
i took a month off and then i started again…not quite what i had hopped for but i guess you just have to do with what ur given.
i got my second strike…or at least i think i did…at the time you always think you are doing the right thing and that it’s all too hard… but maybes and what ifs are then to follow.
it takes 16 strokes now down from 30 so i guess i should be at least doing something right.
sher emailed me on a dark Friday morning.

it feels empty…more than ever…the words… the lies… and now of all times.
I dreamt of me talking to me and i warned myself of this disease.
it feels funny when you open it and you kinda know what to expect…but you have that glimmer of hope that its not what you think it is…getting millions of them on the other hand ruins all your hopes.
she was hurt and maybe i was at fault, she had got it all wrong and i couldn’t change her mind.
i think too much when i’m there, head under water and my mind races off 100 miles an hour, and i wonder how to keep track of so much details.
i had just woken up to head to work, sometime around 5am or so, rushing to get a bus to site and there it was, i though i must be dreaming but the freezing cold morning against my skin seemed all too real.

I have been trying to fix me but i know it’s too little, maybe not too late though.
The mother of all diseases, the worst kind of cancer! then i told myself how just like the normal cancer that consumes and kills off your cells and organs, this one slowly eats off your soul until there’s nothing left.
i thought it would be easier to get in, to make it big out there, but then again time has showed me that wherever i have ended up has been for the best.
i think about her sometimes and how she scares me, i told her once i’ll let everyone know that if anything ever happened to me it has something to do with her.
when i’m inside, it feels different, like my worries are all about then and there, just that next stroke, that very next breath or if i’m in too deep.
she was just after her old writings and it was way too early in the morning for my mind to function well, after all it was friday the 13th and i just left it at that.