today
for the first time in my life
i felt old
i guess that’s how it starts

i will never forget that smile
never
never
never

so get this
i get a call in middle of a class
the number is blocked,
i have all sorts of guesses that who it might be
CIA i’m thinking to myself? well maybe not
i run out of class, just to find out it’s a professor from one of my last semester courses

Han , is a 28 year old Korean lecturer who has got his Phd just over 2 years ago in Simulation of construction projects, he was recruited in UNSW last year with very questionable academic merits compared to other lecturers and professors that are currently working in civil department.
even though his knowledge and expertise in his field are unmatchable by anyone in the department, he has no means of transferring those information to the students due to his English language deficiencies.
this issue has cost his reputation a lot, not only his fellow colleague dont take him seriously (according to him but i’m skeptical about this since he has just become the new post grad coordinator of the department) but also students never hesitate to mock him, his grammar and pronunciation. interestingly enough , this issue made me more keen on learning as much as possible from him. perhaps since i somehow suffer from the very same issue to a less degree i was more willing to engage in a class where everyone else tend to avoid or sleep throughout. Han, on the other hand was also intrigued by my age, my work experience in middle east and my hyper energy and attention throughout his class. Any who, this connection (??) led me to eventually ace the course.

to make the long story short, he had called to see whether i’ll be interested in guest lecturing a couple of his undergraduate classes this semester. naturally, me hearing about the generously award rates (for the lecturing hour and a couple of hours of material preparation for every single teaching hour) and having the image of AUS undergrad classes with my foolish perspective ratio of international to local students(based on my post grad observation) i immediately accepted the offer.

Today i attended a class that i will be lecturing in the near future and let me just say upon entering the class my heart stopped pumping for a while that lasted ages for me.the class(??) has slightly more than 200 students aged between 18-20, and worst of all mostly Australian. I’m not too sure how Han stand it, but he’s mocked throughout the whole class. sitting in middle and observing the students i could clearly hear 20 students at one time mocking how he pronounce zero “Jero”. as if this wasn’t enough of a shock ,after the class Han revealed what plans he had for me. he wants me to lecture two lectures of each of his two courses. in the first lecture of each course, i’ll have to talk and concentrate on my work experience in middle east (is 8 months with AlRajhi really considered as work experience?) while i’ll be covering BIM (Building Information Modeling) and its advantages through my second lectures. What’s more disturbing is , BIM, although very important in construction , is not covered in any academic construction curriculum. I, however, to impress Han foolishly mentioned a little i knew about this modeling system sometime last semester in class.

now all this panic aside ,this whole situation has made me reconsider my future. Is Lecturing an option for me? If Han can do it, i surely can as well do it. the pay is good if not great(not as good as a contracting in middle east perhaps , but do i really care as long as i can afford a bibsi per day?), i’ll have students who are just “FASCINATED” by everything i say in classes much like the korean girls i always see in Han’s office, and i’ll not have to deal with the whole construction site crap. I wound be able to work anywhere in the world that there is a university and the job is morally rewarding.

i’ll be graduating fairly soon and i have some big decisions to make.
some might change my life.
some will change everything.

but i guess,
the whole point is,
much like simon always says,
everything always changes…
yet nothing is ever any different.

why can’t it never be like it was before?

he heard the door close behind his back
he didn’t dare to look back
or perhaps he just didn’t want to look back
for a split second, he thought he had forgotten something
his umbrella,
was what was missing as usual
but before he turns back
he remembered that unlike always
he hadn’t forgotten it inside this time around
the reminiscence of that rainy day brought a faded smile upon his face
perhaps even subconsciously, he was nostalgic for that day and days like it.
while trying to imagine the fate of his umbrella,
he walked down the few steps leading to the sidewalk from the church’s lawn.
it was almost 10 am,
all around him , people rushing , rushing , rushing
pursuing the unending story of time
standing in middle of the crowded sidewalk
he looked around and sighed.

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standing in middle of the crowded sidewalk
he looked around and sighed
he had put far too many years
seemed as if it’s gonna rain
“can pray but it wont stop the rain” mumbled to himself
he reached for the single cigarette he had took off Jane earlier
even though he hated smoking ,
he lit it with the same lighter he had used to burn his contract
popped the collar of his raincoat
and faded into the crowd

i want a whopper
k maybe more like a double whopper with cheese and bibsi
i want house
a couple of new episodes will do
i want a real house too
cause i really miss having a room with four walls and a door
no i dont want anything fancy
a cool place with good friendly people
even kristin’s place will do if  people there are nice
even though the place is tiny and probably older than my grandma
if people are cool and somehow the place becomes magically fully furnished
i would take it
i want it to happen somehow
i wanna enjoy and have fun with my classes this coming semester
am i asking for too much?
been a while since i actually wanted anything.
things been mehhish….even…
but now i WANT

that’s all!