That is what we are supposed to do when we are at our best—make it
all up—but make it up so truly that later it will happen that way.
Ernest Hemingway

i wonder at times
which is more important
the precision or its consistency
maybe it has nothing to do with either of the two
maybe it’s more about repeatability

my biggest fear tonight
is to wake up a sunny morning
stretch my arms and toes
and utterly believe i’m something that i’m truly not
we waste so much life pretending

today marks the six months after.
after what exactly, i haven’t yet quite figured out.
perhaps after leaving the life as i knew it
or six months after i saw my sister
six months after i last saw sher
six months or more after i last waved goodbye to some of my most dearest friends

have lost and gained a lot in this short while
and been trying to pick myself up from down below
to make a sense of this madness
maybe i don’t really have to be anything
maybe i don’t really have to do anything
maybe i should care
maybe i should just let go

but all in all, i’m very much the same
living very much the same life minus the toys and luxuries
it’s not the sky that’s the same everywhere i go
cause here even the sky has a different shade
but its me and what’s within me that’s always the same
so six months after what exactly?

or maybe i should change?
or maybe i should forget?
or maybe i should forgo?

i’m off to bed
i haven’t had shitty nights like this in a while,
not feeling nostalgic but what’s with me again?

today
for the first time in my life
i felt old
i guess that’s how it starts

i will never forget that smile
never
never
never

so get this
i get a call in middle of a class
the number is blocked,
i have all sorts of guesses that who it might be
CIA i’m thinking to myself? well maybe not
i run out of class, just to find out it’s a professor from one of my last semester courses

Han , is a 28 year old Korean lecturer who has got his Phd just over 2 years ago in Simulation of construction projects, he was recruited in UNSW last year with very questionable academic merits compared to other lecturers and professors that are currently working in civil department.
even though his knowledge and expertise in his field are unmatchable by anyone in the department, he has no means of transferring those information to the students due to his English language deficiencies.
this issue has cost his reputation a lot, not only his fellow colleague dont take him seriously (according to him but i’m skeptical about this since he has just become the new post grad coordinator of the department) but also students never hesitate to mock him, his grammar and pronunciation. interestingly enough , this issue made me more keen on learning as much as possible from him. perhaps since i somehow suffer from the very same issue to a less degree i was more willing to engage in a class where everyone else tend to avoid or sleep throughout. Han, on the other hand was also intrigued by my age, my work experience in middle east and my hyper energy and attention throughout his class. Any who, this connection (??) led me to eventually ace the course.

to make the long story short, he had called to see whether i’ll be interested in guest lecturing a couple of his undergraduate classes this semester. naturally, me hearing about the generously award rates (for the lecturing hour and a couple of hours of material preparation for every single teaching hour) and having the image of AUS undergrad classes with my foolish perspective ratio of international to local students(based on my post grad observation) i immediately accepted the offer.

Today i attended a class that i will be lecturing in the near future and let me just say upon entering the class my heart stopped pumping for a while that lasted ages for me.the class(??) has slightly more than 200 students aged between 18-20, and worst of all mostly Australian. I’m not too sure how Han stand it, but he’s mocked throughout the whole class. sitting in middle and observing the students i could clearly hear 20 students at one time mocking how he pronounce zero “Jero”. as if this wasn’t enough of a shock ,after the class Han revealed what plans he had for me. he wants me to lecture two lectures of each of his two courses. in the first lecture of each course, i’ll have to talk and concentrate on my work experience in middle east (is 8 months with AlRajhi really considered as work experience?) while i’ll be covering BIM (Building Information Modeling) and its advantages through my second lectures. What’s more disturbing is , BIM, although very important in construction , is not covered in any academic construction curriculum. I, however, to impress Han foolishly mentioned a little i knew about this modeling system sometime last semester in class.

now all this panic aside ,this whole situation has made me reconsider my future. Is Lecturing an option for me? If Han can do it, i surely can as well do it. the pay is good if not great(not as good as a contracting in middle east perhaps , but do i really care as long as i can afford a bibsi per day?), i’ll have students who are just “FASCINATED” by everything i say in classes much like the korean girls i always see in Han’s office, and i’ll not have to deal with the whole construction site crap. I wound be able to work anywhere in the world that there is a university and the job is morally rewarding.

i’ll be graduating fairly soon and i have some big decisions to make.
some might change my life.
some will change everything.

but i guess,
the whole point is,
much like simon always says,
everything always changes…
yet nothing is ever any different.

why can’t it never be like it was before?

he heard the door close behind his back
he didn’t dare to look back
or perhaps he just didn’t want to look back
for a split second, he thought he had forgotten something
his umbrella,
was what was missing as usual
but before he turns back
he remembered that unlike always
he hadn’t forgotten it inside this time around
the reminiscence of that rainy day brought a faded smile upon his face
perhaps even subconsciously, he was nostalgic for that day and days like it.
while trying to imagine the fate of his umbrella,
he walked down the few steps leading to the sidewalk from the church’s lawn.
it was almost 10 am,
all around him , people rushing , rushing , rushing
pursuing the unending story of time
standing in middle of the crowded sidewalk
he looked around and sighed.

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